Well here we are with the final ramblings of the season. Hailsham was a nothing match as all the league placings had been decided before the kick off, these are always harder to motivate yourself for and based on the performance this was clear to see. This was therefore an opportunity to give all those little souls who’d stood freezing for many an hour on many a touchline a good old run out, but the gamesmaster had other things on his mind. Frustrated that an earlier game of snakes and ladders with Billy had gone the way Townsley the Younger, Rich was out to exact his revenge, and he had Hailsham in his sights, and boy would he make them and the spectators suffer.

In keeping with tradition the conditions were what we’ve come to expect this season, extreme. So long was the grass that had Regan not spiked his hair up before the match he would have been completely concealed in the undergrowth. It took a ball with an inserted bell to ensure that players were aware of where it was when passed along the floor.

With all the rain that had fallen in the preceding days it meant that the extremities were added to and a croc watch was set up amongst spectators in the more swampy areas of the pitch. It was the same for both teams of course so this doesn’t excuse the performance as Hailsham were much the better side at times and deserved their lead in the first half, at least the spectators had the interest of a game of marsh soccer to ponder over.

It was probably the first occasion this season when there’s been a pitch invasion and not just any old pitch invasion at that, the invader was no less than the famous Ethel Manning, the octogenarian invader of many a sporting event. Indeed Ethel started her incursions onto the fields’ of play as early as 1933 and has continued to disrupt events on a regular basis ever since. With a patent on her special green camouflaged and hooded anorak she’s become well used to being wrestled to the ground and carried off by a burly steward. However on this occasion Ethel was somewhat disappointed with no reaction other than one of puzzlement and fear from the boys on the pitch and great amusement of those on the touchlines. And so, slightly dejected, she wandered off to plan her next solo pitch invasion with the hope of a more feisty reaction from the Under 15’s game on the pitch next to us.

Anyway as I’ve said the game did not mean much as the league had effectively been decided when we lost to Tonbridge 4-3, but the boys equipped themselves well and rode out worthy winners.  It was an end to end start with another goal from Toby, who had a prolific finish to the season, putting us in front in the 5th minute. Hailsham responded immediately with a break through the middle and shot which went just outside the post, more was to come. Another direct run through the middle was finished off with a nice chip over Henry, it was a good finish and rightly put Hailsham level, more chances followed for both teams in a scrappy game with Jarvis just firing over the bar after 12 minutes. Again Hailsham struck back and went ahead but only for two minutes, Toby hit the bar and the rebound fell back to Tommy to shoot through a number of legs to put us level. 2-2 and as we began to think of half time up popped Ethel with her pitch invasion to close out the half.

Freddie put us ahead in the 35th minute only to be followed by another pitch invasion, this time from a pit bull terrier! A slightly nervous team continued with Henry keeping out Hailsham with great diving save, shortly followed by some excellent defending by Brandon who tracked back to make a covering tackle for Regan who’d slipped and become burried in the long grass. And so the season came to a close when with 2 minutes to go Jarvis, who’s had a prolific season, scored again, 4-2 and the season closed with a win.

For the final time this season the nets came down, the flags came up and a grateful farmer could finally get onto the pitch and cut the silage that he had been growing for many months.

As I’ve stated in my last couple of reports the boys really have done well this season, finishing in the top two is an achievement and one that can hopefully be built upon. We saw a few times what this team is fully capable when they really play as a team, getting this more consistent is the key to future success.

Many thanks must go to the Coaches, the parents who come so frequently and lend their support in all weathers, and to the boys who have provided so much entertainment.  A very big thank you to you all, and a special thank you to you all for tolerating the ramblings of a madman, taking the time to read them and for the editor for allowing them to be posted.

One final thing, I’ve put the clown suit on mothballs, but hopefully it will get an airing in the near future. To give you an incentive if you lift a trophy at a tournament over the summer I’ll wear it to the first home game of the new season. 

Have a great summer and look forward to you hearing from me in September.

‘The Edge’

As dawn broke we said goodbye to our loved ones, not knowing what age they may be when we returned, and undertook the long expedition to Tenterden. The match was actually rescheduled to be played in Appledore, which seemed to be a small hamlet just outside Calais, so we had our first ever international game to play! We arrived in plenty of time, indeed, several of the travelling support had time for a picnic and a read of the Sunday papers before the opposition arrived. We were all grateful for the early start as it meant we missed the traffic…..as well as an extra hours kip!

The journey had such an effect on Jarvis that he needed an isotonic sausage roll, high carb crisps, a protein packed mars bar and a powerade just to face the task ahead. And what a task he and his team were about to endure.

This season I’ve often started off by describing some extreme aspect of the game whether that be the weather conditions, something to do with the pitch or one of the back four using their left foot. This week is no exception, but is by far the most extreme phenomena that has tested the resolve of the lads to date. The Tenterden Pitch has officially been recorded with land registry as covering approximately half of Kent. Indeed at kick off, Jarvis (on the right) and Toby (on the left) were actually standing in different post codes.

The coaches felt the effects of the widest pitch in the world as well. Richard was so much further from the equator than Nigel (watnobibs), who was stood on the opposite side in temperature which was actually two degrees warmer.

I think you can get the drift as to how wide the pitch actually was. I remarked about the back four using mobiles to communicate last week, well this week credit is low, as right back to left back was actually charged as at an international rate. I’ll try not to go on about it any more but it was a wide pitch. An official measurement recorded the pitch as 100 paces wide (as per the Goggy Bennet gait) compared to the 77 paces of a standard full size adult pitch. Get the picture – very, very wide.

With several hours to spare before kick off (have I mentioned we got there early) Richard seized the opportunity to sit the lads down and demonstrate his prowess at backgammon. He was seen animatedly sliding little counters around a board. Someone said that he was trying to show them the positions and tactics for the game but given the puzzled looks on their faces, and detailed questions about the reason for the yellow counter, I’m quite sure that it was a backgammon master class, still it did kill a good bit of time and all adds to the players enrichment.

Whatever it was it had the desired effect with the ‘Hoppers eventually coming away 11-1 winners. That result would not have been predicted in the opening minutes as Tenterden, buoyant after defeating Hailsham the previous day, came at us and did ruffle our feathers, a disallowed goal (for offside) in the second minute was the wake up call that was needed.

Once we settled into our stride it was all one way traffic with a number of the lads getting on the score sheet. Jarvis opened the tally after 5 minutes with a superb chip over the keeper, who at full stretch was still a good three feet under the crossbar, they were very big goals to go with the very big pitch. Tommy scored his first of the game in the 8^th minute, as Tenterden stopped, for what they felt was an offside, the Ref waived play on and a well struck shot put us 2-0 up. Jarvis then turned provider after 27 minutes with a cross from the left edge of the box setting up Toby for the first of his hattrick, a great goal reminiscent of last weeks strike at Crowborough. Clearly having enjoyed his goal so much he then celebrated with another one, almost directly from the kick off Toby picked up the ball and ran it directly through and finished nicely, 4-0 half time!

The Tenterden high from the previous day was plummeting as they were put under increasing pressure from the physical demands of the pitch and a coach who was beginning to suffer from the onset of tourette’s syndrome.

After a bright start to the second half from Tenterden bus the ‘Hoppers were soon back on their game and rightly brought a further stretch to the lead, goals were in so quickly over the next 5 or 6 minutes that it was hard to keep a note of them. Josh scored in the 42^nd minute with a nice finish shortly followed by Toby in the 43^rd, a good ball from Tommy had Toby running at the defence and scoring to complete his hattrick. Further goals from Josh and Tommy in the 46^th and 48^th minutes followed.

A nice cross from Fergus on the 50th minute then set up Regan who’d popped up in an unusual forward position at the far post to blast a ball into the top of the net, it was then followed up with another one after 52 minutes. Not to be out done Ollie also scored with a nice finish in between Regan’s goal celebrations. At 11-0 down credit to the Tenterden lads who kept going and some late pressure which despite some off the line defending and great saves by Henry eventually brought them a well deserved goal, but there was only ever going to be one outcome with a deserved Uckfield win.

Despite the size of the pitch which was never going to promote good football the lads did manage to pass the ball about well and there was some good movement. Fergus as always put himself about and on one overlapping run added 463 metres to his Pro Zone stats and that was just on the run outside (Have I said that the pitch was very wide).

With Tonbridge having secured their place as League winners on saturday it was good to see the lads keep their foot on the gas and give it their all. Hopefully they will take that into their final match of the season and give us all a game to remember.

Richard says that he’ll be bringing Snakes and Ladders and Ludo on wednesday night (a Sudoku masterclass date is tba) so if anyone wants to get there early he’ll show what a dab hand he is at that match too.

Well that was a bit more like it, as the saying goes “revenge is a dish best served cold”, and cold it certainly was for an away “double header” on what felt like a November morning, at least the forecast rain had held off! Having already lost two games Crowborough really needed wins to keep their league chances alive, could there be any more incentive for a full hoppers team to avenge that 7-1 cup loss, and try to put their own challenge back on track…

We had a good number of away supporters as usual (thanks, its great to see) including our very own cowboy posse, half of which had come back early from holiday in Spain to cheer us on. On a pitch where playing in space was easy given that it was big enough to necessitate the back four using mobile phones to communicate with each other and every short pass being equal to the normal long ball! We came away with two good results against opposition who had turned us over 7-1 earlier in the season (albeit if you read the report for that match the result wasn’t a fair reflection of the game.) Double headers are notorious for the second game not living up to the expectations of the first and so it was today. But, it was a more positive performance and one that has led me to get the face paints ready, the wig’s looking good and I’ve been practising my juggling, so the rest is up to you!

I’ve been to the hardware shop this week and bought an enormous spoon as I am about to indulge in a large slice of humble pie. I’ve been feeling a bit bad about the rants I’ve been going off on, and fear that I could be turning into an Arsene Winger, complaining about everything and everyone. But no, this week I’ve been a bit of a ‘stato’ and had a look at the picture for the season as a whole. And whilst I’ve had the occasional fluster, bluster and boot of the odd tea cup, the reading has been very encouraging. And for that I am about to praise you all.

So if you’re all sitting comfortably, I will begin.

Anyway onto the football, which given all the excitement has given me a touch of the ’senior moments’ as some of the details escape me! However, we kicked off uphill, in a 4-5-1 formation and with some good passing and strong tackling we got into the game quickly and started to apply the pressure. Following a scramble for the ball just inside the Crowborough penalty area, Tommy used his strength to win the ball and shoot through a number of legs to put us 1-0 up after 9 minutes. A stunned Crowborough failed to respond and two minutes later Jarvis put us 2-0 up with another one of his great strikes into the top corner of the net. Further chances followed and the hoppers had the upper hand until the 18^th minute when a long range shot from Crowborough clawed them back to 2-1 just before half time. Thoughts of the previous week ran through the mind but after a quick halftime break and switch to 4-3-3 the hoppers were clearly having none of it, a second goal for Tommy in the 1^st minute and one for Toby in the 4^th put us 4-1 up. The result never looked in doubt and was sealed four minutes from time with a well earned goal from Freddie. It was a good performance from front to back with everyone giving their all, talking, passing and working for each other, including the unused subs who had shouted encouragement from the sidelines through the game. One down one to go…

A 10 minute break saw the return of the coaches fruit and veg stall with bananas handed out and washed down by energy drinks, all in prep for game two. Again we started uphill and continued to apply pressure making a number of chances. In the 13^th minute Jarvis broke down the right and crossed a fabulous ball from near the corner flag which Toby duly smashed into the top left of the net, 1-0. At the start of the second half the game was poised at 1-0, we weren’t looking quite as convincing as the shape had been lost and were very narrow, both teams created a number of chances with the hoppers shading it but not managing to find the net, you could feel the pressure mounting. With 10 minutes to go Crowborough slid a ball into our penalty area, Matt got back to beat Henry to it but with his back to the pitch and to huge shouts from the sidelines panicked thinking a boro player was behind him and tried a left foot clearance (or maybe slipped on a carelessly discarded banana skin….) only to see the ball sail into the net, 1-1. As sure as missed open goals or penalties, these happen to the best of them, its an occupational hazard for a defender or keeper but football is won and lost as a team, so chin up Matt, as all men know…."its easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission".  With 10 to go we still created enough chances to win it with William breaking down the right, some good attacking throw ins from Matt and Freddie and Toby both breaking through the middle. But it never quite happened and you could clearly see the two games had taken their toll on both teams with tiredness visible in a number of players, final score 1-1.

With two games to go you can rightly finish the season on a high, well done boys, keep it up.

Don’t forget this week the Grasshoppers Managers, Coaches and Dad’s FC is taking on a Wealden FC equivalent. Kick off is at 7.30 pm at Wealden FC’s ground behind the Raj Dut Restaurant (are they paying for advertising for this mention?) Please come along and lend your support as you witness some old fools rolling back the years, knee supports and girdles. There will be some familiar flushed faces in the team so take this opportunity to come along and shout at those who spend their Saturday’s shouting at you.

I’ve delayed sitting down to write this weeks ramblings as I want to avoid being too negative. I feel that I may have been a bit harsh in recent weeks, not that I feel that what I have written is anything other than what is justified given the performance that I’ve witnessed from the ‘The Edge’of the pitch. Still, what the heck, there is no point in saying it was good when it wasn’t and that the spectators left more disappointed than the team, but probably not nearly as disappointed as the coaches….

We probably all have an opinion on what went well and what did not. I was once told that opinions are like buttocks, we all have them but they do not necessarily have to be aired in public. I indeed have an opinion about the performance against Tonbridge Juniors and like the true ‘Mooner’ I am I will bear it to the assembled readership….."Tonbridge Juniors FC want to win the league more than Uckfield Grasshoppers FC"  The reason I say this is that despite going two nil down, each and every one of their players put their hand up and said,

“I’m up for this, I will run, challenge, think about what I am doing, help and encourage each and every one of my team mates and despite the fact that we have gone a couple of goals down, we can do it and I’m going to play my part in proving it.”

They all believed they could do it and their belief was proved right. Our lads gave the impression that when we went a couple of goals up they thought, “That’s OK then this is easy” so when Tonbridge came back, we couldn’t find the grit and determination and desire to match that of the opposition, to the point that a lot of our lads ‘went missing’ in the second half and were happy to leave it to others to try and put things right. Individuals do not win matches, teams do and as a team we were found wanting, its been coming for the last couple of matches too.

I’m as guilty as the next person for focusing everything toward winning the league and have probably harped on a bit about it in my match reports. I make no apologies for having done this as I believed, and still believe, that the Lads have the talent and ability to win the league and get promoted to play in the top division, where those talents should be displayed. As much as it pains me to say it, it should always be about the kids enjoyment of football, and their improvement as players, I think that we as parents and spectators want it more than them. I hope that they prove me wrong and if they do so I will come to the last home match of the season dressed as the clown I hope I am proved to be.

So for all you players, I want you to prove it to yourselves that you can do it, but as a little incentive I promise that if you win the league (2^nd place doesn’t count!) I will come to your final home match dressed in a full clown suit and let you tell me how wrong I was.

As I say I am not convinced about the desire to win the league, so from now on I intend to focus on the football and forget about titles.

The writing was on the wall for today when Henry picked up an ankle injury in the warm up forcing him to retire before a ball had been kicked. This necessitated a quick reshuffle with Regan going between the posts and Freddie coming off the bench to grab a starting place.

It is fair to say that Regan put in a superb performance in goal. He came off his line beautifully and was vocal and commanding in his area, with a pair of President Sarkosy’s  football boots giving him a couple more inches he could be pushing Henry for the rightful owner of the gloves. He held onto the ball well and his distribution was good so keep up the good work and the competition for the No. 1 jersey.

The first half was a return to traditional Grasshoppers performance. Like Magnolia paint, nothing too exciting but a reliable and a firm favourite. It was what we’ve come to expect of our boy’s, good passing and movement. Toby was effective down the right putting some good passes through to the front two and indeed it was a Toby cross that led to the first goal and with Freddie slotting it home with his left foot (other players take note, you are allowed to use both feet!) to take a lead  against the run of play.

With that things looked to be getting better with Matt and Harry (Coleman) Fergus and Crispy keeping things tight at the back. We had all settled ourselves in to a comfortable win. How wrong we were.

A couple of minutes into the second half Josh took a leaf out of Freddie’s book and blasted a well struck (left foot) shot past the Tonbridge keeper to make it 2 – 0, things were looking rosy. Jarvis or as he should be called ‘Sniper’ given his accurate long range shots troubled the keeper on more than a few occasions but luck wasn’t with him today despite a number of good efforts.

Half time saw the team and coaches head off in buoyant mood, little did we realise that somebody must have doctored the halftime drinks with some sedatives. Either that or the boys had double pie and chips as a halftime snack as the team that came out for the second half was devoid of any get up and go. Twice Tonbridge split the defence easier than a very specialised splitting tool to score goals that should never have made it as far as our 18 yard box. Then a free kick was awarded. Many people were heard to say that it wasn’t a free kick. (Note. If the referee blows his whistle and says free kick, that indicates that it is a free kick) This was the free kick that trickled into the goal watched by their players, our players, the parents, coaching staff, referee, linesmen, passing motorists, nearby residents, two dogs and several hundred passengers on the EZY297 returning to Gatwick from Alicante. Indeed unofficially 437 people watched the ball roll past every player on the pitch to end up in the Grasshopper goal. The time it took from leaving the takers foot to crossing the goal lines seemed like 4 minutes 32 seconds and still nobody thought about clearing it. I’m sure I heard a debate along the lines of “I bet he tries to clear it”, “No I think it will be him,” “Actually I’ve thought about both of them and I think it would be much better if he did it”. Next time try thinking, ‘That’s mine I’m going to clear it’. See what a difference that would make.

Three two down from two nil up. Not good, but we did manage to bring it back to three all with a well taken second from Freddie. Then Tonbridge unleashed their specialised splitting tool which drew a well used coaching phrase from Andy Coleman that due to copywrite issues with Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney cannot be quoted on these pages, 3-4 and Tonbridge ran out worthy winners.

I do not like to single players out for special mention so I won’t say that Fergus led by example in the second half and ran non stop for the full duration of the match leading by example, putting in the effort expected until the final whistle. Where was everyone else??? Oops I’ve mentioned it so well done Fergus.

There are only a couple of games left, your fate is still in your hands.

I’ve got the clown suit ready…..Only you can make me wear it.

The Big question is…who’s the clown?

It seems that this is a season of weather extremes, the boys have played in freezing conditions, torrential rain and today in a driving wind, which was so bad that even Andy Coleman had a bad hair day….

Whilst I like to remain positive, as I sit down to write this I feel a bit like Leonard Cohen (or Morrisy for the younger readers) and find it difficult to be upbeat. The first half performance was like the weather, awful. Maybe its expecting a bit too much, but we know how well we can play and this wasn’t anywhere close to the usual standard. I stood and thought that it was the usual slow start and things would pick up, but how wrong I was, at least for the first half. The only thing to pick up was the wind, which got so strong that it put me in mind of the Wizard of Oz and at any moment we could have been off to see the wizard.

In fact there might have been a good reason for heading off down the yellow brick road, as the three things that seemed to be missing from the first half performance were, brains courage, and heart.

Brains - In passing and movement of the ball. Too many times the lads were standing looking for the ball to be played to feet instead of into spaces, not thinking about movement and anticipation and generally lacking in the communication that had been so good in the last match at Tonbridge. (Scarecrow played by Andy Crisp)

Courage - In the tackle, too many times we were second to the ball, jumped into tackles with our backs turned, didn’t close down or get our tackles in. We pulled out of heading the ball too, with only Harry Coleman and Jarvis showing the grit and determination to put their head on it. All credit to Harry Coleman though, he put his head in to win balls that the opposition were going for with their feet……a real chip off the old block is Harry. We’re not asking for suicidal tendencies but a demonstration of a desire to win the ball and win matches. (Lion played by Nigel Lampard)

Heart - To win the league is not a divine right, it has to be earned. It means crossing the white line and giving 100%, 100% of the time. The conditions were not good but they were the same for both teams, too many lads come off with energy left in the engine. That’s not what is expected, if you come off not feeling knackered you’ve not given your all and that means letting your team mates, the coaches and those who have come to support you down. If you want to win the league, and you’ve got the talent to do it, then you have to take a long hard look at yourselves, and ask if you have given the 100% that is required. (Tin Man played by Richard Townsley)

As I’ve said they were the qualities that were lacking in the first half and had a few of us clicking our ruby slippers saying, “I wan’t to go home!”

Langton had much of the possession and chances in the first half, which was played mostly in our half, and they took a deserved lead in the 9^th minute of the game. Their lead shortly cancelled out by the best double act since Cannon and Ball, indeed that is what Jarvis and Fergus have become. Jarvis fires the Cannon from the corner and the Ball is inevitably met by Fergus to slot home, 13 minutes 1-1.

Following a Grasshoppers break with Freddie chasing down three defenders! Langton scored an unfortunate own goal with one of their defenders just putting the ball inside the post, rather than out for the intended cosrner. So 16^th minutes and 2-1, despite being under the cosh for the first half we saved our blushes as the whistle went and the lads headed in, for a further blast of wind from Richards hairdryer, at least they avoided the sleet!

With Fergus and Josh having already run in the District Cross country meeting that morning (both doing very well and finishing well up the field, well done boys!) a tactical change saw Jarvis fall back into midfield to support Fergus win some more balls in the middle of the park. Regan dropped into right back and Ollie came on up front to partner Josh.

The changes had the desired effect and Grasshoppers got much more into the game. Brandon had an outstanding game in the middle of defence and Regan put in some crunching tackles from right back where he’d replaced Matt. Things were looking up and it wasn’t long before Ollie had broke through the centre to put us 3-1 up after 40 minutes, it was a sublime finish ably slotted past their keeper. The game was still far from over and Langton struck again after 44 minutes to make it 3-2 and were still right in it. But 5 minutes later Patrick McManus put in a great cross to find Toby unmarked at the back of the box who then produced a fine strike from to make it 4-2. Ollie sealed the win in the 58^th minute with another fine strike and the Grasshoppers to come out victorious.

The majority of the lads out there and the team as a whole can play a lot better than the performance we saw today. I guess it was more “Avram Grant” Chelsea (ie win ugly) than the “Arsene Wenger” Arsenal we were starting to get used to.

What was good was that despite having an off day with things not going well, we still came away with three points Just think what you can achieve if you put all those things right. The coaches can only guide you and try and improve your technique, don’t just practise the basics until you get them right, practise them until you don’t get them wrong. Today, for large parts of the game, the basics were missing - passing, moving and tackling

So having said that, there were some positives and good moments of play, Brandon had one of his best performances to date, Patrick came on and immediately got involved and contributed, and Henry continues to improve with his reading of the game and coming off his line and kept us in it in the first half. Ollie continues to improve with match experience and with two good goals we’ve some good competition for the places up front.

A win is a win and 5-2 was a good result, all of us on the touchline know you have the ability to win the league. Do you have the commitment and desire? Only you can answer that question by your attitude, approach to training and application and effort on match days.

So we’ve now done matches in freezing, wet and windy conditions, roll on the sunshine….

This weeks performance secured the result and could be described by that old spring saying of ‘In like a lion, out like a lamb’.

If anything I suppose it was good to see the intensity at the start of the match, as opposed to the usual hang around for ten minutes, before realising the reason why the opposition have started running about on the same patch of grass, and those adults on the side are hollering at the top of their voices, dropping to their knees in despair, and trying their utmost not to widen their vocabulary in a totally inappropriate manner, is because the whistle has gone and the match has actually started!!

Anyway, impressive it was, with a first minute goal from Jarvis setting us off and then 15 – 20 minutes of great football from the whole team, aside from the football the most impressive part, was the communication amongst the team. The volume of chat could actually be heard from the touchline, particularly amongst the defence, which was led in no small part by the back four general, Harry Coleman. It seemed that the others fed off Coleman’s enthusiasm and in no time everyone was keeping each other right. It was great to see this side of the team develop and credit must be given to Richard, Nigel & Andy for introducing a buddy system to promote communication within the team. An imaginative bit of coaching that was showing it’s dividends in the early part of the game.

As the game wore on however it became like an awkward first date when you had run out of things to say, that embarrassing silence sets in and it is simply glances that are exchanged. Still it was a good start and hopefully that aspect of the lads game will develop, and like any relationship that gets beyond the first date, will ultimately lead to incessant chat and at times will be like a marriage, with one party being nagged from time to time….. For the time being however let’s all keep it positive and encouraging, oh and that include’s you Mr Woods!

The impressive communication was matched in no small part by the play on the pitch. On a good flat surface the lads were able to show the intention to play the game how it should be played, on the ground with good passing, vision and movement. The interplay between Fergus, Toby and Jarvis being particularly impressive down the right flank. The important learning point for the team is to make your passing positive and timely. When you see it pass it. On occasions the ball gets carried a couple of yards too far which allows the opposition to close down and prevent the pass getting away cleanly. It’s better to see the pass early, lay it off and move into position to contribute further. Let the ball do the work.

Tommy and Brandon both battled hard winning 50/50 balls and setting the bar for others who sometimes hang off when the ball is there to be won.

Goals were forthcoming but special mention must be reserved for Josh ‘Di Canio’ Holden (or for the younger generation Josh ‘Van Persie’ ) who thundered a rear post volley into the net from a Jarvis corner in the 14 minute and which must challenge some of Jarv’s long range efforts for goal of the season. It was a strike that Arthur Scargill would have been proud of. Not to be out done Jarvis followed up to make it 3-0 after 15 minutes, a rout looked on the cards but credit to Tonbridge they got a goal back just before half time and kept themselves in it.

It was business as usual in the second half, but as I’ve already mentioned with the volume turned down. Freddie came and showed his continued improvement in playing some sensible layoffs and avoiding the temptation to take on one player too many. It is this team play that’s improved the overall performance of the team and made us a force to be reckoned with.

Tonbridge were right back in it and were a much better side in the second half, with constant pressure and a number of good chances created, Henry made a great, one handed, diving save in the 36th minute to keep the score at 3-1. Having ran his legs off all day it was a well deserved goal from Toby in the 45th minute to make it 4-1, having chased the ball in after a Grasshoppers shot Toby picked up the rebound off the keeper to calmly put it in the net. Again I know this is something the coaches have been saying all season so good to see the boys finally starting to follow up on their shots on goal.

With 10 minutes to go Tonbridge made it 4-2 and continued to keep on the pressure, with an offside goal it could have been a very tight last few minutes but the performance from the opening 20 paid off. We did defend too deeply, stood off in midfield and got a bit narrow to invite the pressure but the game was won and these are all areas to work in training.

Individual player development has also increased competition for places so nobody is guaranteed a starting place, everyone now needs to battle for their place both in training and in matches. It’s everyone’s individual responsibility to do their best at all times, put in 100% effort 100% of the time and display a positive attitude to improving in drills and practice games. If you put in less than 100% in effort or attitude then you stand a good chance of loosing your place, with no one to blame but yourself.

The second half also saw the introduction of a bit of entrepreneurial genius with the Grasshoppers fruit and veg stall. Andy Crisp was seen setting up shop and distributing banana’s amongst the back four during a break in play. Andy informs us that next weeks special is Tomatoes 50p a pound. Get in early as sales are bound to be good.

One final special mention from Saturday’s game has to go to Patrick McM. who on being introduced to the game made a breathtaking run from the edge of the box to meet a cross with a new means of scoring…..‘a noser’. On this occasion he was cruelly denied by a goal line clearance. The coaches were not convinced with this tactic so let’s stick to the head Pat. Good effort though!

The march continues and finds the lads at the top of the League, still a long way to go and tough games ahead, but if key players are available and with performances like the first half, we have a very real chance of taking this League.

As Dickens once said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” It’s difficult to say what either team gets out of an emphatic victory or defeat but such is the league system and the lads willingness to compete that 11 – 1 was the final result.

Having travelled across several time zones to reach Uckfield the Tenterden Tigers were obviously feeling a bit jet lagged from their long trek and having eventually made it through passport control took to the field for a 1.30pm kick off, it should have been 1pm but as we all know flight delays are pretty common nowdays.

As with our own defeat by Crowborough a few weeks ago, the flattering score line isn’t necessarily an absolute reflection on the game. Indeed, “I didn’t like that” could be heard as often as Graham Taylor’s “Do I not like that” as Rich was troubled by what could be described as a bit of a unconvincing defending at times.

Indeed across the park there were a few performances that could be described at times as a bit ‘Chino’ ie. Casual in the extreme.

From the kick off the Grasshoppers went straight at the opposition who were obviously still waiting for their luggage to arrive and with three quick goals in the first five minutes from Henry (What’s he doing up there!) Toby, who bent to pick up a 10p he had seen and scored a rare (but totally intentional) header and Jarvis, who went on to treat the afternoon as a bit of shooting practice ending the day with a brace of hat tricks.

As is the danger with going so quickly in front, the Grasshoppers fell into the trap of thinking it was going to be easy. They hadn’t banked on the effects of the Tigers inoculations and jet lag wearing off and for the next 10 – 15 minutes the opposition really did roar into action putting a stunned set of Grasshoppers on their back foot, scoring one on the break and creating enough chances to have levelled things, but for Regan (ah, that’s why Henry’s up there) who was doing an excellent job in his second outing of the season in goal.

The coaches weren’t happy and Rich’s catchphrase was born. Andy ‘The Parrot’ was in such an apoplectic state that his voice almost broke there and then, whilst Nigel smouldered and scribbled furiously on his little pad. Such was his displeasure that his requests for match fees constituted demands with menaces.

Another goal before the break meant that the lad’s disappeared into the changing rooms with a comfortable lead and undoubtedly for team talk to put a few things right. By now Tenterden had been awake for about 23 hours and that along with the journey began to really take it’s toll, we know from past experience its not easy to travel a distance to away games and look at Liverpool, they struggle to get from the changing room to the pitch…

With a new gusto the boy’s came out and went about their task in a businesslike fashion. Fergus was dropped back into sweeping duties to shore up the defence and the midfield made some sublime defence splitting passes which were met largely by perfectly timed runs from Jarvis and the end result was often the same, ‘Back of the net’. Freddie managed to get on the score sheet as well and it was clear early into the second half that there was only going to be one outcome.

In the second half the ‘Chino’s’ had gone but at times were replaced by a pair of ‘Farrah’s’ ie. less casual but still not totally acceptable to those with taste. It’s so important to concentrate on playing good football at all times, focus on the job you’ve been asked to do and do it to the best of your ability. After a certain amount of goals there’s a temptation for everyone to try and get on the score sheet, which is where there’s a danger of playing for Mum’s and Dad’s and not playing for the team.

There was some fantastic team play, accurate passing and superb finishing that was rightly applauded but at times concentration slipped and a couple of lads were caught slipping back into the chino’s and even one or two glimpses of flowery Bermuda shorts ie. unacceptable casualness making an appearance (the offenders will remain nameless).

Tenterden fought well throughout the game and credit must be given to the fact that despite the scoreline they continued to play right to the final whistle and gave a good lesson in not letting your heads drop, sporting to the final whistle and a credit to their club. The thought of check in delays and resetting their watches to Kent time played to heavily upon them as they faced their expedition home and in the end it was a substantial victory.

It was also a victory which put the lads back were they belong, and in case anyone was unsure of where that was they only had to look at the three amigo’s who were seen to dance off the field with frowns replaced with frolics singing “We are top of the league, I said we are top of the league”.

Lets enjoy that for now, but it’s where we are after the final game that’s important, we’ve now got two weeks off from the league and the other teams don’t, so we need to work hard on the training pitch as we will be chasing the lead (with games in hand) for the rest of the season.

]]> http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/19/the-edge-home-league-match-vs-tenterden-tigers/feed/ http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/11/the-edge-away-league-match-vs-langton-green/ http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/11/the-edge-away-league-match-vs-langton-green/#comments Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:07:55 +0000 editor Matches http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/11/the-edge-away-league-match-vs-langton-green/ Some say, he won a BAFTA and that they know who he really is, all we know is that he provides anonymous match reports and calls himself ‘The Edge’…

There have been some extreme conditions to test the resolve of the team this season and this week was no different, with ropes and karabiners required to scale and descend the slopes of the Langton Green pitch. With the sun shining however the lads put in a big performance, to match the big pitch and big goals.

Andy Colman was welcomed back like a long lost son, though it was noted that the ref controlled the game from the opposite side of the field. And a good job he did, despite the frequent interjections of his flip flopped assistant who seemed intent on raising his flag more often than Lord Nelson.

With all that said however the match itself was a good hard fought encounter, with the final 1 – 1 scoreline being a fair result for both teams who battled hard, played good football and a showed the competitiveness, grit and determination required if they want to progress.

With the home side playing up hill in the first half the Grasshoppers were slow to try and maximise on their advantage, they made a bright start with an early shot from Josh saved by the keeper shortly followed by a header from Fergus. It was just after this that they found themselves one down after a strong run trough the middle from a Langton Green striker, who made no mistake on his finishing by getting a quick shot away to score. It was also a bit of a lesson to our strikers, in that that’s what strikers are meant to do ie. strike the ball with a view to scoring, instead of dancing around and getting caught on the ball when trying to dribble it into the back of the net, a bit like Arsenal last season! Maybe we need to sign up Adebayor then.

In going 1 down and losing Crispy very early on it looked like the writing was on the wall, but all credit to the lads who were unrattled and settled down to play some of the passing football that they are capable of.

I usually try and give everyone a mention but today the majority of the column inches have to be reserved for Jarvis and Fergus, who without doubt set the standard for the rest to follow, both in terms of effort and application with a tireless and fearless performance from beginning to end. Indeed it was the deadly duo who combined to bring the scores level with Fergus rising like a salmon to meet a perfectly flighted corner from Jarvis to head home from close range.

Indeed, the Grasshoppers always looked dangerous from their set pieces and Langton Green had been given a couple of early warnings when Fergus had a previous header saved and Tommy had been cruelly denied following a fantastic late run and thundering strike, both efforts coming from Jarvis corners.

Half time saw the lads head off into the changing room to get roped up for their hike up the hill in the second half. It also saw a change of shape with Richard dropping five into the midfield to cancel the advantage of the hill, leaving Toby "the bandage" up front to run the line.

The midfield did on occasions sit very deep and with Toby ‘the bandage’ on the shoulder of Langton Green’s last man, there were several occasions when ‘the bandage’  was stood in a different post code to the rest of his team, have I said it was a big pitch. This meant that it was difficult to hit them on the break as by the time the time the lads had established finger and toe holds for their ascent the impetus was often lost.

On the occasion that they did break free ‘Old Flip Flop’ and his flag were sure to frustrate things further with Jarvis, Josh and ‘the bandage’ all getting caught (or at least flagged) offside on more than one occasion.

A nagging injury put paid to the struggling ‘bandage’ who had tried hard early in the second half and with Callum feeling the effects of the steep gradient and rarified air at the top of the hill, William and Patrick came into the foray.

With about ten minutes to go Richard was being defibrillated as Tommy and Henry caused a few heart stopping moments when their communication broke down, as Tommy shielded the ball for Henry to come and collect, Henry remained rooted to the spot and seemed to stare as though he was reading a Czechoslovakian instruction manual for the assembly of a bedside table, that hill was just too steep.

Despite the coronary moment Henry really pulled it out of the bag with a last minute save, the equal of any he’s made this season and one which secured the draw. To end the match a hero isn’t a bad thing and Henry certainly was a hero there.

This was a well fought out draw and was a point gained rather than two points lost. The past couple of weeks have shown that the lads have the character, ability and talent to do well in this league so let’s see it continue on the training pitch as well as on match days, well done lads!

]]> http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/11/the-edge-away-league-match-vs-langton-green/feed/ http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/06/the-edge-home-league-game-vs-hailsham-united/ http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/06/the-edge-home-league-game-vs-hailsham-united/#comments Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:30:13 +0000 editor Matches http://uckfieldgrasshoppers.com/blogcityandunited/2008/02/06/the-edge-home-league-game-vs-hailsham-united/ Some say, he was part of the team who selected Capello and designed th iPhone , all we know is that he provides anonymous match reports and calls himself ‘The Edge’…

You will all have heard the story of Peter the little Dutch boy who put his finger in the dyke to stop Holland flooding, well the 21 centuary equivalent was witnessed at West Park on Saturday morning when Harry C (not Crispy) plugged the hole that had allowed a trickle of goals to become a flood last week against Crowborough and hence normal service has been resumed, welcome back Harry C.

That is to take nothing away from the spirited efforts of all the lads who played last week but simply illustrates how key players absences are felt and means that everyone else has to look for that extra 10% when the team is weakened.

This week was also a welcome back to Freddie, with a performance that left the spectators wondering why it’s taken so long for Fred to turn in the sort of performance we have all known, for so long, that he is capable of. When the attitude is right everything else follows so come on Fred head up and let’s see the same level of commitment to the team for the rest of the season.

Saturday was a glimpse of what the team is capable of when they play as a unit and not as a group of individuals, the passing, moving and support play was a joy to watch and testament to the coaches and the efforts they put in on the training ground. Basic passing, vision and movement off the ball is what turns good players into a good team and there was an abundance on show at the weekend.

Henry returned to his goalkeeping duties and showed his confidence in dealing with anything that Hailsham had to offer, though it was on the whole, a quiet day for him.

The back four operated as a solid unit and closed everything down. Matt and Harry Coleman are becoming quite a double act in defence, with each giving their team mates a lesson in effort and commitment.

The midfield were what we’ve come to expect. Fergus and Jarvis are box to box picking the ball up and running well, looking up and playing intelligent passes. Freddie was in the thick of the action as well laying off passes when appropriate and not trying to do too much. His contribution rightly brought him his rewards when he rattled the back of the net for a well earned goal.

Toby and Josh contributed well leading the line supported well by the pressing midfield. Toby showed the team ethos when, through on goal with only the keeper to beat he pulled the ball back for Jarvis to slot home from a better angle, having scored three for the inter league team in the week it great to see Jarvis continue his form and put three away for the Grasshoppers. But it’s not just about who scores, its about who wins that’s most important when the final whistle is blown.

This was a demonstration of what the team is capable of when you all play for each other and not simply for yourselves, or Mum or Dad stood on the touchline. When you cross the white line you are a Grasshopper first and Mummy’s little soldier second!!!! COME ON GRASSHOPPERS AAAAGGGHHHHH!

One area for improvement is the left foot (or right foot in your case Callum). As a famous philosopher once said if you can only use one foot then you will only be half the player you could be. We’ve all seen Harry C use his (briefly) only practice will make it better. So come on lads wear out that spare boot. As I once told Michael Owen, “You’ll never make it if you can’t kick with both feet” and look at him now.

Special mention to the Halisham linesman and parents who showed the kind of attitude that was an example to all clubs. With an Uckfield goal scored from an obvious offside position, missed by the linesman but seen by the rest of the gathered crowds and even those returning to their cars in Tesco’s carpark, the parents did not whinge or complain but gently questioned the linesman regarding whether he could actually do his sudoku and concentrate on the game at the same time. Well done Hailsham.

So, that’s the first ‘B’ league game played and nine to go, next up are Langton Green for the fourth time this year, a good side who we’ve had very competitive games with so far, we need to be on top form to get a result, but play like this and we have an excellent chance.

And finally congratulations to the Ref who had got a new battery for his stopwatch and ensured that we were all safely home before dark.

Football is a game of two halves, but this one felt like a game of two and a half halves. The unofficial time keeper estimated that the second half ran for no less than 43 minutes. Indeed, even Danny doing the line got the sweats on requiring him to shed his jacket.

We weren’t sure whether the ref thought he was on an hourly rate or had a sundial for a time piece, so every time a cloud passed an extra couple of minutes got added on. Whatever it was the extra extra extra time had a dramatic effect on the final result, which really wasn’t a true reflection of the match and really did flatter what was a good, but by no means superior, Crowborough Athletic side.

Indeed, It would be fair to say that with a penalty gifted after six minutes and three goals scored in time added on to the time added on, with a bit more added on for good luck, the difference should realistically have been a couple of goals. Given the fact that Lady luck had decided to look the other way for the morning and nothing seemed to fall in favour of the Grasshoppers in terms of chances, the squad should take a good deal of comfort from a performance that saw them match a strong Crowborough team.

The writing was on the wall early on when a Toby shot was well saved by an excellent block from the Crowborough goalkeeper (who was so big that someone swore blind they’d seen him park his car before the match) only for the rebound to come off Fergus and loop over the bar. Another effort came off the post and time after time the Crowborough goalkeeper pulled off fantastic saves to deny Grasshoppers the goal they richly deserved. Congratulations must go to him, he was immense, I’m sure I saw him wave to his proud wife and kids after one of his saves!

It was evident that approaching half time, or was it a quarter past half time, that there was a technical difficulty with the refs time piece as the Crowborough coaches were advising him that Sunday was rapidly approaching and they were keen to have the whistle blown to maintain their half time lead.  And so with the sun dipping behind the hills the whistle was blown for half time. Crispy had battled hard despite crippling stomach aches, showing the determination and grit that was an example to his team, but finally the imminent reappearance of his breakfast caused him to retire at the end of the first half, only to make a dramatic "Premier League" recovery (Christiano Ronaldo would have been proud) and return part way through the second half.

The Grasshoppers came out and early in the second half and Henry, who was starting out for the first time this season fired home from a corner, having done his bit he then found himself back in goal after Regan had to come off with a bad foot injury, having gone in bravely on a Crowborough attacker and come off the worse.

Things were very evenly balanced before a couple of good breaks and cool finishes by the Crowborough forwards gave them a comfortable lead. It was about this time that it all started to go wrong. Whether it was the fact that it had started to get dark, or that mothers could be heard calling kids for their tea, or perhaps the ref thought he had come to officiate at a sport relief footballathon that the game seemed to carry on and on and on and on………

To take nothing away from Crowborough they battled on and took their chances very well, but did score three further goals in the fifteen minute kick about at the end. That’s not to question the result, they won fair and square and we wish them well for the Semi-Finals.

Again the Squad all contributed as we have come to expect, Harry C’s absence at the back was felt but Matt had another solid performance at the back and grows in stature with each game. He showed the passion and commitment expected in a cup match, and he did a damn fine lions roar as his passion manifested itself to show the wild beat within. Keep it up Matt.

And so as darkness descended the final whistle blew and as the boys needed to ready for school they trudged off with heavy hearts and the Crowborough goalie celebrated with his wife and kids before getting back into the car and driving off for a busy weeks work.

Sadly that’s the end of the cup run, but it’s now time to concentrate on the competitive league which we go into for the second half of the season. We’ve seen how well we can compete, so there’s nothing to stop us getting up there and showing what the Grasshoppers are all about. To do that you all have to show that fight, commitment, effort and belief, both on the training pitch and on match days, so lets get our heads down, our sleeves rolled up and get on with winning that ‘B’ League.

Lets all be up for it next week!!!!!

(Note: As always this column is a tongue in cheek review of the match and is in no way meant to be a criticism of the referee who did a fine job, we appreciate him giving up an extensive amount of his time to officiate at our games.)