‘The Edge’ - Away vs Tenterden Tigers April 29, 2008
Posted by editor in : Matches , trackbackSome say, he’s on “The Apprentice” and taught Ballack how to take penalties, all we know is that he provides anonymous match reports and calls himself ‘The Edge’…
As dawn broke we said goodbye to our loved ones, not knowing what age they may be when we returned, and undertook the long expedition to Tenterden. The match was actually rescheduled to be played in Appledore, which seemed to be a small hamlet just outside Calais, so we had our first ever international game to play! We arrived in plenty of time, indeed, several of the travelling support had time for a picnic and a read of the Sunday papers before the opposition arrived. We were all grateful for the early start as it meant we missed the traffic…..as well as an extra hours kip!
The journey had such an effect on Jarvis that he needed an isotonic sausage roll, high carb crisps, a protein packed mars bar and a powerade just to face the task ahead. And what a task he and his team were about to endure.
This season I’ve often started off by describing some extreme aspect of the game whether that be the weather conditions, something to do with the pitch or one of the back four using their left foot. This week is no exception, but is by far the most extreme phenomena that has tested the resolve of the lads to date. The Tenterden Pitch has officially been recorded with land registry as covering approximately half of Kent. Indeed at kick off, Jarvis (on the right) and Toby (on the left) were actually standing in different post codes.
The coaches felt the effects of the widest pitch in the world as well. Richard was so much further from the equator than Nigel (watnobibs), who was stood on the opposite side in temperature which was actually two degrees warmer.
I think you can get the drift as to how wide the pitch actually was. I remarked about the back four using mobiles to communicate last week, well this week credit is low, as right back to left back was actually charged as at an international rate. I’ll try not to go on about it any more but it was a wide pitch. An official measurement recorded the pitch as 100 paces wide (as per the Goggy Bennet gait) compared to the 77 paces of a standard full size adult pitch. Get the picture – very, very wide.
With several hours to spare before kick off (have I mentioned we got there early) Richard seized the opportunity to sit the lads down and demonstrate his prowess at backgammon. He was seen animatedly sliding little counters around a board. Someone said that he was trying to show them the positions and tactics for the game but given the puzzled looks on their faces, and detailed questions about the reason for the yellow counter, I’m quite sure that it was a backgammon master class, still it did kill a good bit of time and all adds to the players enrichment.
Whatever it was it had the desired effect with the ‘Hoppers eventually coming away 11-1 winners. That result would not have been predicted in the opening minutes as Tenterden, buoyant after defeating Hailsham the previous day, came at us and did ruffle our feathers, a disallowed goal (for offside) in the second minute was the wake up call that was needed.
Once we settled into our stride it was all one way traffic with a number of the lads getting on the score sheet. Jarvis opened the tally after 5 minutes with a superb chip over the keeper, who at full stretch was still a good three feet under the crossbar, they were very big goals to go with the very big pitch. Tommy scored his first of the game in the 8th minute, as Tenterden stopped, for what they felt was an offside, the Ref waived play on and a well struck shot put us 2-0 up. Jarvis then turned provider after 27 minutes with a cross from the left edge of the box setting up Toby for the first of his hattrick, a great goal reminiscent of last weeks strike at Crowborough. Clearly having enjoyed his goal so much he then celebrated with another one, almost directly from the kick off Toby picked up the ball and ran it directly through and finished nicely, 4-0 half time!
The Tenterden high from the previous day was plummeting as they were put under increasing pressure from the physical demands of the pitch and a coach who was beginning to suffer from the onset of tourette’s syndrome.
After a bright start to the second half from Tenterden bus the ‘Hoppers were soon back on their game and rightly brought a further stretch to the lead, goals were in so quickly over the next 5 or 6 minutes that it was hard to keep a note of them. Josh scored in the 42nd minute with a nice finish shortly followed by Toby in the 43rd, a good ball from Tommy had Toby running at the defence and scoring to complete his hattrick. Further goals from Josh and Tommy in the 46th and 48th minutes followed.
A nice cross from Fergus on the 50th minute then set up Regan who’d popped up in an unusual forward position at the far post to blast a ball into the top of the net, it was then followed up with another one after 52 minutes. Not to be out done Ollie also scored with a nice finish in between Regan’s goal celebrations. At 11-0 down credit to the Tenterden lads who kept going and some late pressure which despite some off the line defending and great saves by Henry eventually brought them a well deserved goal, but there was only ever going to be one outcome with a deserved Uckfield win.
Despite the size of the pitch which was never going to promote good football the lads did manage to pass the ball about well and there was some good movement. Fergus as always put himself about and on one overlapping run added 463 metres to his Pro Zone stats and that was just on the run outside (Have I said that the pitch was very wide).
With Tonbridge having secured their place as League winners on saturday it was good to see the lads keep their foot on the gas and give it their all. Hopefully they will take that into their final match of the season and give us all a game to remember.
Richard says that he’ll be bringing Snakes and Ladders and Ludo on wednesday night (a Sudoku masterclass date is tba) so if anyone wants to get there early he’ll show what a dab hand he is at that match too.
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